I can’t believe they are taking you away from me. They can’t take you away from me. This plea wailed within me as I sat in our beloved Church of the Ascension the evening of March 24, 2020. We had all just received the email. They (whoever they is) were making Father Tom lock up our Church at 10pm that night. I sat there… 7pm, 8pm, 9pm, …. wondering how they could take Him away. Panicky, not prayerful thoughts. Contemplating “accidentally” getting myself locked in with Him. 10pm came and went. Father walked slowly through the Church, gently looking over at me… the only one who had not obediently departed by 10. My plan to get locked in with Jesus was foiled. I couldn’t do that to Father. As I slowly meandered out to my car – the long way through the Church building – it dawned on me. They were not taking Him away. He would still be Here. Just as He is ALWAYS HERE. I might not be able to get in to Him, but He would be Here. “I am with you always.” Matthew 28:20
During those long, languishing days of lockdown, I started walking up to Church. Walking around the Church. Circling Him. Working to adore Him from outside the building – although I often allowed my thoughts to stray from prayerful to pleading: “Please Lord, please FIX THIS. Please let us go back to normal.”
Ironically, as much of the world was locked down to stillness, Jesus was in motion. The construction for His new Adoration Chapel was moving forward. The world was locked down, and His Kingdom was nevertheless being built up. Literally. It challenged me: was I still building up His Kingdom in the midst of lock down, or was I allowing myself to stay locked down in my grief and self-pity?
From the locked front glass doors of our beloved Church of the Ascension, I could see the glinting gold of the tabernacle, or sometimes just the flicker of the red tabernacle candle. “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, then I will enter his house and dine with him, and he with me.” Rev 3:20 I was standing at the locked door now, and this scripture spoke loudly from within. How many times had I locked the door to my heart and not let Him in? The thought pierced me. I had done this to Him. I had locked my doors to Him. And how many opportunities had I forgone to be with Him in His Eucharistic Presence? Standing at those locked doors, I promised Him that I would try to not lock Him out of my heart again, I would try to be with Him in His Eucharistic Presence more often (and P.S., could He PLEASE make a way for us to unlock these doors…to get to be in the same room with Him again).
May 11, 2020, the email arrived. In person Masses could resume, starting Wednesday morning at 7am. My heart swelled with disbelief and joy. Like many fellow parishioners, during that first Mass “back”, I just sat in our beloved Church of the Ascension and wept. The masks, the towels, the blue taped pews, the no-singing did not matter because He had OPENED THE DOORS. We could once again be with Him in His Eucharistic Presence. Not only could we be with Him, we could RECEIVE Him.
After Mass I realized that with the Church doors propped open and all of the other safety measures taken, the only “thing” that I had touched in attending Mass was Our Lord in His Eucharistic Presence. The only “thing” safe to touch, was HIM. How is it, that I, in my sins, worries, fears and anxieties… warrant touching and receiving the King of the Universe. Pre pandemic, I used to allow myself to wallow in my lowliness, in my unworthiness to receive Him. I would say “Lord I am not worthy to receive you…” louder than any other part of the Mass, like that somehow made up for my sinfulness, my turning away, my locking my heart to Him.
A few times after the Church was opened, I went and sat alone in the “old” Adoration chapel. His Eucharistic Absence was palpable…. there was an emptiness in that little room. And yet, sitting there comforted me – providing reassuring hope that we would someday be able to be together again.
I would sit there and reminisce about our times together – when He was there, incredibly approachable in His exposed, humble Eucharistic Presence. Remembering the times I had come to Him there over the years – sometimes in pure Adoration, but too often in the times of pleading prayer over health scares, job loss, worries and fears about the children, loved ones, the future.
In all of those moments, when I was able to truly surrender and hand those situations over to Him, He quickly took those worries and replaced them with His Peace. His profound Peace that is not of this world.
Surrender. There is a constant call to surrender ALL to Him, and this year more than ever before. I have been called to undo the lock down on the doors of my heart, let go of the shackles of fear, worries, anxieties, and just surrender. Surrender to His Will, His Providence, His Merciful Love – all so powerfully and tangibly present in His Eucharistic Presence.
Jesus. I am so profoundly unworthy of you, and yet intensely in need of You.
Thank you for humbling Yourself to be with us in Your Eucharistic Presence.
Thank you for proving that Your Love is with us always – even and especially in the chaos of 2020.
Thank you, thank you, thank you Jesus.